Any change in our life can evoke grief. Even celebrations such as a graduation, a symbol of accomplishment and new beginnings or commencement, lend our life to heart ache and letting go of what is at present known. These planned life events are usually easier to adapt to, in part because we hold a goal in mind with a specific intent related to our actions. And we planned to celebrate this growth in some big or small way.
It is the more difficult challenges we face in life, the more messy and unplanned life experiences, that present us with a grief that rises to the surface with an intensity we rarely could have imagined. These are events that are sudden and life changing such as the death of a friend or loved one, a life-changing accident or illness or a world event that impacts millions of us such as the Pandemic we are currently experiencing.
The appearance of Covid-19 in our lives has come suddenly, resulting in unplanned, abrupt and profound changes that are wrapped like gifts but with fear, frustration, grief and loss rather than bright paper and bows.
Recently, I found myself touching a deep well of sadness and anguish. A personal grief related to all of the changes the Pandemic has brought forth into daily living. This sorrow surfaced from a profound place within me, surprising me as much as overwhelming me in the moment. I had the misconception that I was cruising along while sheltering in. Only sometimes was I feeling affected by the world’s struggles to respond to the pandemic - painful, frightening and frustrating as the situation is.
I was caught off guard, “off guard” the operative words. Slowly but clearly, I began to realize that my attempts to protect and defend myself from the world’s suffering was not accomplishing what I truly intended. Keeping busy was my way to cope so it felt as if I was doing just fine. That I was managing all activities of my daily life with ease. Instead, I was living without genuine awareness or clarity about the sadness and heart ache I was experiencing. This grief was welling up in me because of the intense suffering, death, chaos & uncertainty felt around the world. A reflection of the world’s sorrow and fear.
I continue to find space for the depth of my grieving, noticing the changes and loss while also practicing as best I can to hold these emotions lightly, living my life to its fullest – with my heart open no matter what passions arise. For me, it is like being in the midst of a storm. I experience the severe winds and torrential rains, the flooding and the height of the tides, with no clear forecast for relief. What I do have control over though, are my choices about what I do with my time, my thoughts and my feelings as the storm rages around me.
One of the supportive choices I have made while sheltering in was to participate in an online writing group. Through my times of writing with others I have been most moved by my reflections on the Pandemic – this time of living in chaos and frightening uncertainty. A theme seemed to be revealed as I wrote and I noticed a thread weaving its way through these Zoom times. There were fibers holding the fabric of my heart and soul together when my exterior existence seemed so uncertain.
From this, it came to mind that no matter what happens outside of me, I always have all I need to live this life to its fullest. No matter what the chaos around me, I am strong enough to face anything that comes my way in this life. Especially during these unusual times, I am okay and have the tools within me to move forward with my heart open to not only the suffering in the world, also to the loving kindness being expressed by so many. It is my connection with this suffering that keeps my heart open to compassion and loving-kindness. I offer to you the writing/reflection that helped me affirm the truth of my heart and soul.
“You are in a time of flux right now. You dear one, are feeling the deep expansive uncertainty that envelopes everyone like a dense fog. Unable to see beyond this moment you are in the midst of, you attempt to settle into the foyer, the deep and profound opening that is leading to unfathomable change. Now is the time to breathe deeply. Now is the moment to be in your body, present to feeling deeply. In this moment when you look around you , you feel a gaping silence that is simply the wind as it gently surrounds you.
Fear has no place in this present time. Fear is steeped in old stories, in past lives. Those are dead, gone from existence, those stories. Bulldozed into oblivion by this moment. This is NOW dear one, a time to foster life’s natural shifting, curving, bending. To feel your roots growing, to hear your song singing your perfect melody. Time to smell and taste your fragrance and sweetness. To know your brilliance and its fullest depth and breadth.
This is a time for you to celebrate! To be in deep gratitude as you are fully alive, your heart fully open. Like the tulips and daffodils celebrating spring – the change of the season – you are blooming too, showing yourself to the world. This is how it feels to be effusively embracing all the richness of life’s gifts NOW.
You, dear one, have settled in for life’s ride, noting what is with you this moment in time. Dear one, you are breathing it in deeply, this life. With each out breath, sending praise into the world. Praise connecting you with every natural, beautiful bit of this miracle. Opening to the earth, the wind, the fire, the water, the Source that connects everyone and everything in this vast Universe, in this present moment of ever-changing life.”
May this post find you safe and well, held in the comfort that we are all one, together during these most frustrating and trying of times.