What I am sharing today I wrote the first part of March 2020 prior to Covid-19 taking hold throughout the world. This writing has unexpected meaning now as fear and anxiety openly abound in and around us. May you be healthy and safe during this difficult time. - Beth
I’ve noticed lately that I am fearful. Rather than hope and faith I find myself distrustful, afraid life will catch me off guard. This seems such a silly thinking - surely a story that my ego-left-mind has made up about life’s unfolding.
Part of what I struggle with when feeling fear as my life’s guide, is the sense of powerlessness. A defenselessness wrapped around my daily interchanges with others (and with myself). Feeling out of control, with little seeming choice about being fearful, I try to counter my fear by controlling those around me. Well, truthfully, trying to control my dear love, a most kind and gentle man.
Really! What is my left brain thinking? What a crazy story I hear it repeating! How on earth does this fairytale support me in any way?
So, I settle down, remembering my sweetheart and his gracious approach to life. His ability to kindly and lovingly remind me this morning that I am feeling anxious – in other words he is aware that anxiety and fear have a hold on me in a way that is difficult to shake off right now.
Perhaps fear cannot be shaken off like water from a dog. Instead, just my acknowledging this cloud is my best practice. Once I see it before me, my vision seems to expand. Now I am able to visualize the current of my emotions. Yes, the flood of fear as well as other sentiments and sensations including joy and gratitude that arise out of the acknowledged anxiety and distress. As Mark Nepo so eloquently wrote in his article in Spirituality & Health Magazine Jan/Feb 2020:
As long as I kept fear inside, I couldn’t see it. And so, I tried to let it go, so it could mix with the quiet magnificence that was speaking to me from under my fear.
I am so blessed as reminded by occasions like this. My love figuring out another way to approach our heat pump dilemma at our soon to be new home, arising at 5am to travel across town to meet the service person while I was away on retreat, releasing me from one less worry about the details of life.
Fear, yes it will always raise its head to be noticed as part of the stories of my life that are meant to keep me alive and well. And yes, there is life beyond feelings of fear and anxiety. Things that cause me to smile, laugh, feel grateful, compassionate and loving. May you find joy in the midst of uncertainty. May you be blessed with compassion for yourself and others while tending to your health and safety. May you find peace in the midst of chaos.
Namaste