This post has been months and now seasons in the making. I have begun writing many times, reaching a point at which I felt overwhelmed, unable to envision a right-sized post rather than the voluminous encyclopedia or Mitchener epic novel I seemed to be creating.
Working through this first part to the point I was feeling ready to move to the next section, it came to me today that I could do this post as a series of three writings. Recalling that the number three is often significant, I did a search on the WWW. Here is what https://angelnumbersmeaning.com/ says about “3;”
“we can say that number 3 is associated with the Trinity. It means that you receive the protection, guidance and help from divine forces. Your angels are protecting you and giving you support and strength.”
Protection, guidance, strength and support have been exactly what I was searching for and precisely what I could not bring into my conscious experience as I continued to resist anything that was uncomfortable. This discomfort led to my resisting the experience of the present moment, as my body grew more and more out of sorts.
With each attempt to write this post I struggled with were to begin. What I desired to say seemed so vast I had difficulty wrapping my heart and soul around it all in a way that made sense to me. And I wanted to make certain that it would make sense and resonate perhaps with at least some or most of you. Not aware, I was hoping to express my heart and soul – a right brain experience while staying in my left brain – the ego protector part of my mind.
The world’s verve kept seeming to shift with each new daily incident. I seemed to then feel the subsequent and increasing weight of the world with each new wave of the tides washing to shore the troubles of our times. Similar to my experience during the raging wild fires in the Western U.S. – while inhaling smoke and ash, my throat, lungs and eyes burned as I sometimes gasped for life-giving breath. Susceptible to seeing, sensing and hearing this undiminished angst, fear, frustration and doubt, left me with a sometimes-unsurmountable desire to resist my piercing vulnerability. Suffering these burdens with every fiber of my being was unmistakably intolerable and unmanageable, I continued to rationalized.
As I could no longer travel deeper into my heart’s center, the chronic and exaggerated ambiguity of life began to haunt me. Precisely, what I was resisting – the pain of opening my soul - was persisting. Like when the darkness envelopes us in the countryside away from light pollution, I felt surrounded by an uncertainty that seemed to be stalking me. The more I tried to disregard these waves of pain or to keep myself safely buffered from all of the suffering around me, the more the distress within me persisted. This ache grew and expanded no matter how diligent my attempts to avoid it.
Finding myself increasingly anxious I attempted to run from my heart’s truth, turning away from the epic chaos surrounding me. Eventually, it came to bear there was no other way to gaze than into the dense fog in the darkest of these times. Even though I was enveloped to a point of being unable to see my hands in front of my face.
I smile at this point. It was at a snail’s pace the dawning came upon me. I had no other choice but to fully open my heart to the present political energy, the increasing visibility of white supremacy and climate change, the pandemic, police violence, discrimination and injustice of all types and hazardous air quality, along with on-going and thankfully ceaseless demonstrations demanding justice for ALL human beings.
Reflecting back, it was as though all of the change and uncertainty was getting under my skin. I was breathing it in metaphorically and physically whether I want to or not. I saw the suffering. I felt the anger. I heard the cries of anguish. I soaked up these forces like a sponge submerged in a bowl of water. The element of water, was what I had been trying to avoid. I did not cry tears. These sorrows could not be washed away. At the very least, I wanted to lessen its burden by wringing out the sponge, releasing some of its weight if even for a moment!
Realizing again, as much as I might prefer, evasion was no longer possible nor acceptable. I could no longer continue to turn the other way. Struggling to escape was not my path to travel at this time. Any attempts to flee would only bring me more angst and suffering.
Now, I am faced with the only true solution to my resistance and have turned my heart toward discernment, attempting to discover a deeper understanding of these times. To know myself on a deeper level. To clear the way to opening my tender heart and to express the compassion held within me. A kindness I have so resisted. This said, I am reminded, nothing in this life is an accident.
Namaste