This morning when sitting in meditation I practiced the giving and receiving meditation known as tonglen. (“tong” meaning giving or sending and “len” meaning receiving or taking). This is a meditation practice intended to cultivate fearlessness in support of a deeper knowing of self. A knowing from the perspective of gentleness without judgment.
Contrary to many meditation practices, tonglen is meant to, with each inhale, invite in or to receive suffering without pushing away or avoiding its pain, anger, fear, despair or grief. Its design is intended to expose the most tender part of oneself. Those places we all, consciously or unconsciously, shield our heart from knowing.
With the out-breath, when practicing tonglen, one is to give or send joy, love, compassion, hope, peace, and loving-kindness into the world. To give away what one may hope for or believe one is in need of. Certainly, seeming a contrary practice, especially if one holds an expectation for some particular outcome, perhaps changing one’s current sadness, hopelessness, depression, etc.
It has been a while since I practiced tonglen. This day my practice took me deep within, to a profound, multi-layered place in my core. I literally felt my heart opening, a compassion radiating from deep within me as I took in the dark smoke of suffering. I was so moved I teared up, my eyes overflowing with a sense of compassion for myself and for others.
Surprisingly as I continued taking in suffering with my in-breath and breathing out compassion and loving-kindness, I began to sneeze. Sneezing for me at most may be an achoo of 1 to 3 times tops. This particular sneezing episode was very different than my usual couple of sneezes grouped together. I sneezed out 10 to 15 times in rapid succession, sending compassion, kindness and love into the world with considerable energy.
I was curious about this experience of sneezing over and over again, eventually leading me to consider times when I have had energy work. Times when having Cranial Sacral treatments or Reiki, I am sneezing as my practitioner is burping. Both releasing or letting go of blocked, stagnant energy, moving these obstacles to allow the natural flow of my life force. I sensed this is what was happening as I sneezed. There was a rapid release of love, joy, compassion and kindness as my heart softened and opened following a long time of being guarded and shielded from the both/and of life.
With each successive achoo I felt an expansion within me that can only be described as fearlessness allowing me to release and move obstacles from within me that prevented me from a more open relationship with others, a more open, undefended relationship with myself and with life.
My heart was opening in a powerful, explosive way, sending out what I thought I needed to hold tightly to, to protect what my heart held, as if love and compassion and kindness came only in a limited quantity. That If I shared or gave love and kindness away, eventually I would run out and there would be none left for me.
Being willing to follow the practice of tonglen, I experienced what most of us would think the opposite. It is only by opening to my own suffering, expanding my heart to my personal pain, that I am truly able to open to compassion and love!
Namaste