In my last post, I made a commitment to a daily meditation practice or at least alluded to my pledge to practice regularly. If you did not notice this promise, I apologize for leaving a veil of uncertainty surrounding my actual intent. This post is the first of a series of reflections and learnings I share with you as they grow out of my regular practice.
Loving-kindness seems such a simple thing. Who would not want to be loving and kind to both oneself and to others? Yet, to hold one’s heart open to such a practice of being loving and kind can be particularly challenging for most all human beings.
After practicing meditation off and on for almost 30 years, I recently found myself more off than on. Last month while reading Awakening Loving-Kindness by Pema Chodron, I was reminded of how easy it can be to set one’s intention to regularly meditate and how challenging it is to actually practice meditation each and every day. Nearly always, us beginners turn to meditation as a means to change ourselves. A way for example, for us to be kinder to others and to share this loving-kindness with oneself. Pema reminds us that a meditation, or “sitting” practice may focus in some way on loving-kindness, and rightly so. Yet this is not the true reason to practice meditation. Loving-kindness meditation has a simple purpose – to learn more about one’s inner self, one’s heart and soul, one’s struggles, suffering and sorrows and of course one’s love, joy, kindness and compassion. The both/and of our humanness.
Literally, her words reminded me that we are often way too judgmental of ourselves because of a belief that good and bad exist within us. That life is always filled with polarities rather than both/and – that we are either/or. This is a rather bold assertion as she then suggests that there is no sin in this life, “original or otherwise.” Matthew Fox, (a former Catholic priest, now an Episcopal priest) speaks a similar language in his writing, especially in his book Original Blessings. Fox sends us the missive that we come into this world perfect in our full humanity. We are complete, endowed with all we need to live our lives to our fullest potential. Our faults and failings are not good or bad, right or wrong. Yes, we can grow and learn and become more mindful, loving and kind. Yes, we can learn more about our inner life. Yes, we can change the way we contribute to and interact with this world at large and on a more intimate level, with our friends and family and especially with ourselves.
My ability to grow more fully into my potential does not reflect on how good or bad a person I label myself. In fact, when I believe there is something inherently wrong with me – this is an unkind thought. A thought that is aggressive in nature and not at all supportive of my capacity to love and show compassion and kindness. True, some might believe these thoughts do no harm to anyone else, so what’s the big deal. Yet, perhaps there is a big deal? Perhaps these negative thoughts are hurtful to the world? I am not excusing those people who are bullies, who maim, murder and/or assault others, are hateful, etc. They have their own burden to bear in this world. What I am referring to is those of us who are hurtful with our own body, spirit, mind, soul and heart.
This may be difficult to swallow for some perhaps, this concept seeming a radical theology. I hope you will bear with me a little further. This was a Light Bulb moment of remembering for me! An awakening to how critical I can be of myself. A reminder that I also keep turning my light off as I avoid a regular mindfulness practice. Not a judgment of my actions. Simply a remembering about how my thoughts are my prayers so to speak, and when I am critical of myself these are the prayers I lift up to the cosmos. I am easily reminded of two historical people who practiced loving kindness and compassion while being loving and kind with themselves. Jesus and Gandhi. Neither reflected on their sinfulness. Both encouraged people to be compassionate, loving, kind, courageous and curious, to challenge their own thinking so they could live life more fully and to its greatest potential.
Okay, important things for me to contemplate as I return to some basics about my meditation practice. First, I hold in my mind’s forefront the purpose of my practice – to learn more and to grow! To be curious about how my mind works and curious about my “sitting” practice. To get to know myself better. It is this simple. And please note, I did not use the word easy!
In Awakening Loving-Kindness Pema speaks to 3 basic pillars of meditation: Precision, Gentleness and Letting Go. Here is how I understand these three principles.
Precision – focusing on posture (sitting upright, feet on the floor if you are in a chair), exhaling (noticing the out breath).
Gentleness – with gentle kindness and compassion, labeling thoughts (calling the monkey mind’s stories “thinking.”) Gently and without judgment, making note that thoughts are just thoughts. Labeled as “thinking” these thoughts do not need to be responded to.
Letting Go - compassionately and lovingly returning to the intended focus of “sitting” - to notice one’s outbreath. Letting go of a need for perfection. Letting go of a desire or need to stop the mind from thinking – that is what the mind does. No matter who you are or how long you practice meditation, you will never be able to stop your mind for doing what it was intended to do.
As I began my practice, I decided one way to be gentle with myself was to ease back into the process by starting with a short period of time for meditation. So, I set my meditation timer for 10 minutes knowing I could always change the timer as I felt so moved in the future.
Oh my. Was I surprised by my thinking mind! Thinking! Thinking! Thinking! All the time my mind was noisy and thinking, thinking, thinking. In daily life I have some awareness that I am not fully present in every moment. My mind wanders even when in the midst of a task, drifting off with some other focus than what is before me. It seems my thinking has been filling up the spaces of my life, keeping my cup overflowing with thoughts.
During my practice as I was trying to let go, my thinking mind would respond by holding on for dear life. It was a challenge for me to stay present with my outbreath. As well, I felt drawn to shine a spot light on my inbreath to turn down the volume of my thinking mind. Occupying my mind seemed the theme as I attempted to let go of the thoughts as they arose. I certainly was busy with the “thinking” and letting go practice!
As I neared the end of my meditation time I become aware of some spaciousness. I wondered, was this awareness also a thought I was to let go of, to release so I could return to my outbreath? With this wondering there seemed a sensation in my chest. One I associated with relaxation and peace, a presence with my breath. Another insight arose out of this knowing. I had been forcing on my outbreath too, to amplify my sense of it and to notice it more fully. I realized that forcing my breath was not the intent of this practice. I was to be gentle in my “sitting.” Being forceful was and is contrary to the principles of meditation and could be considered aggression. Yikes!
As I write about this learning, I recall an experience I had while in seminary participating in a group meditation that centered on the breath. During my practice that particular day, I became aware of a spaciousness between my inbreath and my outbreath. This was almost a visual and certainly a visceral experience that can be best described as a dark, comfortable and calm space where my mind was, for a moment, not lit up like a Roman Candle. My mind seemed to be resting on a lake or pond that was like glass, without a ripple or wave. There was no wind to rustle the grass or leaves. There was utter quiet and tranquility. I was immersed in comfort and peace, a natural warmth supporting and holding me. This is what it can be like when my mind quiets for a nano second.
Comparably, when my practice is no longer focused on attempts to change myself, my heart is open and I become curious. Curious at first about how I came to this knowing, next realizing it truly did not matter. Most important, my curiosity supports increased knowing and growing. In these brief 10 minutes my willingness to practice opened my heart to more learning than I could have imagined or predicted. A reminder to cherish this openness for what learning is yet to come. To see where I am led by Precision, Kindness and Letting Go.