For several weeks, I have planned to write a reflection about mindfulness. I intended to more fully explore what it means to be mindful and the variety of ways that one can practice mindfulness in daily living. I know very clearly, if I write out the thoughts that swirl around in my head, I will get to something much deeper. Additionally, my mindfulness meditation practice has been an extreme struggle lately. I have hoped that writing this post would help.
Here is a wonderful definition of mindfulness that I found in the editor’s message in Mindful Magazine August 2018 (Barry Boyce, page 8). In his Defining Mindfulness article, Boyce wrote, “mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. Mindfulness also refers to the cultivation of this basic human ability through methods, including meditation, mindful movement, mindful eating, and others. We call this ‘mindfulness practice’ to distinguish it from the basic ability.” Beautifully simple and clear I believe. To be mindful is to be self-aware. And this takes practice.
Boyce went on to remind me that a practice of mindfulness arouses a deeper connection with others that includes an increased sense of kindness and compassion. I would add, that the practice of mindfulness also deepens ones sense of connection with oneself – increases my connection with my body/mind/spirit.
Okay, the obvious thing here is that I was not being kind or compassionate with myself. I was frustrated and discouraged and the more frustrated and discouraged I felt, the more numb I also became. I kept trying to change my behaviors, striving to be more “mindful” in activities of daily living – such as when eating or doing the dishes, showering and dressing or walking my dog. I would “intend” to “sit” and meditate but would easily convince myself otherwise. This would send me further into the hole I felt I was already having trouble getting out of. No matter what I started out to do, I distracted myself and avoided the very commitments I had made to me. Not very good self-care to say the least! And nothing I tried was helping me!
Then I read an article in Spiritual & Health Magazine (Nov/Dec 2018, pg.100) The Path to Lifelong Romance by Emma Seppala. This article was not about the typical romantic relationship that initially came mind when I read the title. Seppala began with, “Most of us are not comfortable being uncomfortable.” Yikes! That hit home! Seppala went on to speak about how people are generally avoidant of any kind pain – physical, emotional or spiritual. When we can no longer avoid our pain, we expect it to be fixed with a pill or some other means that will not only relieve us of the pain, but will also relieve us of taking responsibility for our own healing.
The light bulb grew brighter as I read further. Seppala shared about her own struggle with grief and loneliness after moving to the U.S. for grad school. Rather than surrendering to her feelings, she found ways to numb herself – avoiding her feelings until they began to reveal themselves in physical ways. I know this experience. I have a history of becoming very ill when I have ignored my own uncomfortable feelings – usually of grief and loss.
What she shared next hit me up side my head with awareness! “Ironically, by surrendering to my feelings and letting myself experience them completely, the tension and stress was relieved. I had made space for them to be. And, acknowledged and expressed, they then went on their way.”
OMG! I had been trying to cope with my own feelings of grief and loss by numbing or stuffing them rather than allowing myself to feel them! Instead of finding the sense of healing and peace I longed for, I was making myself feel worse by ignoring my emotions. With a sigh of gratitude I began to surrender and let go. And with each breath, deep waves of sadness, loneliness and grief surfaced. I cried and cried releasing the feelings I had been holding in my heart, body, mind and soul. I would rest for a time and then feel the call to dive deeper into the well of feelings – this happening over and over again.
Eventually, I settled into a place of calm and peace. This has taken me about a week. I do expect more will surface though. That is how grief seems to be. The very raw pain coming in waves at times, and when I think that I am completely done, the sadness finds me again.
In the meantime, the physical pain I was having has subsided and it is easier for me to make mindful decisions about my daily living. Now, more often than not I am able to pause and create a space or gap where I can suspend judgment about how I feel. Being more mindful I am able to process my thoughts in a way that provides space to be less reactive. I pause to listen to my intuition - what my body is telling me I truly need. Less impulsive as a result, I am making decisions that take better care of me. I pause, breathe and release that which no longer serves me.
Namaste