My brain has been on my mind for several days now. At least the ego part of my left brain that continually tells me stories about how I should be or sharing about what experiences mean or why I am feeling a particular way. Its chatter has become overwhelming. Like a whiteboard in my mind, it is now so covered with this written narrative, I can no longer decipher any of the opus there on. The scribbling so jumbled, I no longer have access to any of its useful information from which I might benefit.
Like a wild horse galloping across the plains, me on its back as it runs away from some loose sage brush that began to roll and rattle across the landscape. More frustrating, I am on the back of that horse without a saddle, bridle or reins, careening across the wild countryside of my mind’s life. A frightening resemblance to me and my daily experience. At this point, I am ready to do almost anything to avoid it.
A tender awareness arises within me. The thoughts, admonitions, the story told on my left brain’s white board no longer makes sense to me in the midst of its disarray. The result? Unable to access any of it, I find it useless. I have no need for the writing on the white walls of my mind.
When mindful, I am able to let the black marker’s pen strokes melt away until the board is renewed. Sparkling white and free of all shades and colors and strokes of previous thought, ready for the wealth of guidance and support when I most need it in a linear form.
These thoughts bring me great peace and a sense of ease. I feel the breeze of life flowing through my hair and a slight smile as the corners of my mouth turn upward. Up to the sky, the limitlessness of life. The beauty of simply being in this moment.
I long to come back to this space and at the same time resisting it none-the-less. Perhaps I fear the stark white emptiness. And then I recall this fear is only a concept I suggested my mind scribble on the whiteboard. just in case I needed to remember that all of life is to be feared.
Breathe. You are alive and well and free to be you. Your true self. Your full potential. It does not serve you to allow the whiteboard of your mind to rule your being. It will only confuse you, holding you back in a state of anxiety, apprehension and trepidation.
Morning sun on drops of water. Oct 2019 Photo by Beth Johnson
Two weeks later I find myself on OVERLOAD. Redundantly I reply, again! Loaded up, spilling over, implies too much. Grateful for the opportunity to let all that loads me up to fall away like the leaves of autumn. For every season, for all the reasons, a time.
There feels a spaciousness around my heart as I reflect. Air moving and flowing, breath, breathing me. Breathe, aspire next let go and expire. My story telling left brain is on overload. My peace-filled, creative, compassionate right mind is crying out for its time, its space. Spaciousness for a sense of peace. For a quiet mind, no chatter, only my sense of flow in my body, the stress as it tingles in my arms and legs, hands and feet, fingers and toes. Exiting, morphing into some other form outside my physical being.
Lightening my heart and spirit as I lighten up, I feel the release, the calm and peace, the love and light. Through my true self I glimpse the world around me – the world within me. My truth of being is revealed. I am so grateful for this internal calm. The sting of tears reminding me of how deep the sea of gratitude runs within me. I am water. I am human. I am connected to every element and plant and animal. The stars are a part of me as I am a part of the Universe, the Cosmos.
I am. Simply, I am. I am love. I am space. I am spirit. I am all and nothing. I am so grateful.