There have been so many things in the news these past few weeks that seem to be contributing to my angst. As usual, they are things I can do little or nothing to change. And the effect on my mood has been profound.
I am reminded of a time about 20 years ago when I was driving on one of the Sacramento freeways when suddenly I realized something about the seeming chronic pain I was feeling in my shoulders. This was the weight of the world’s women and the thousands of years of their suffering and oppression. I had taken it on as if it were my own.
Wow. Is this really mine to bear? Or is it simply – or not so simply – that I was to feel this pain as a reminder of all that women have suffered through the ages – as second class citizens, as chattel, as some one to be feared and controlled by the patriarchal system of power.
Though I am not currently feeling the “weight” of all feminine suffering, I do feel “weighted down.” Any news, even late night shows that usually make me laugh about politics, instead seems a millstone around my neck. I feel incapacitated by the dark cloud of U.S. political reality. The Supreme Court nomination seemed to be the last straw that my body was willing to carry.
I feel empty, like I have not eaten for weeks or months. It is like I am drained of all energy, sluggish and as though I have lost a part of me - part of my soul.
The strangest part of this is that I can’t seem to begin finding my way out from under this dark cloud. Seems that everywhere I turn there is someone reminding me of the oppression and degradation women. The feminine experiences may have changed in shape and color. Nonetheless, they still existent everywhere including in the U.S. of A. America, supposedly a progressive, educated and informed society is still as guilty as any other nation, region or culture in the world.
I no longer seem to have the strength within me to access my mother bear archetype and to stand up against this darkness! That is until I read Mark Nepo’s http://marknepo.com/books_awakening.php August 4th reflection titled “Agitations of the Dark.” Mark suggested another way we might make our way through our unavoidable experiences of darkness – the times when we feel tangled in confusion or sadness or when can no longer see our tomorrow in any positive way. During these times of dark agitation we often go over and over things we have done or have said or wished we had done differently which results in the growth of “dark vines” around our heart. When these weeds grow they block the light and completely cover our heart. The more we each contribute to our own darkness, the more difficult it is to open our hearts to the light and the healing that we so desire.
This helped me realized that I had been acting as if I could hide behind the thorns and vines to avoid the very darkness they were creating. Rationally, I know this doesn’t make sense. I hope you can see this too. This is the paradox of wanting an open heart while at the same time, wanting to avoid vulnerability. I wanted to be loved while at the same time I was hiding from love by covering my heart with thorny thoughts and beliefs. These vines and thorns were preventing me from loving myself and from being loving and compassionate toward others.
Reading Mark’s reflection helped me shine light on the very darkness I was trying to avoid. Only when I could begin to hold the light in place long enough to envision my truth, was I able to start healing on a deeper level. Ironically, I had to shine the light in the deepest darkest place I had even been – which in fact was deeper than the darkness I already thought I occupied.
With this awareness, the darkness is beginning to lift. In its place I am able to again experience compassion for myself and for others. With this growing compassion I am more able to take care with myself and am more able to reach out for the support of both friends and professionals to help me on my healing journey. I am so grateful to have been reminded that I do not have to choose to live without the LIGHT!