Having taken for granted, now being surprised by Spring, trust has risen to walk with me …

… a courage of a type I have never truly known before – at least not consciously endorsed and nourished.

I needed to create a new model of support for myself to fortify my desire to live from my heart.

How I interact with despair in general, I believe, will not change substantively unless I comprehend its root cause to some degree.

Reiki is an ancient energy modality that promotes healing by activating the relaxation response, helping the body to balance itself from a very deep level.  Something that we can all use during this stressful time of Covid-19 and “sheltering in”.

This post has been months and now seasons in the making. I have begun writing many times, reaching a point at which I felt overwhelmed …

You are in a time of flux right now.  You dear one, are feeling the deep expansive uncertainty that envelopes everyone like a dense fog. 

Part of what I struggle with when feeling fear as my life’s guide, is the sense of powerlessness.  A defenselessness wrapped around my daily interchanges with others (and with myself). 

Tonglen meditation is intended to expose the most tender part of oneself. Those places we all, consciously or unconsciously, shield our heart from knowing.

Loving-kindness seems such a simple thing.  Who would not want to be loving and kind to both oneself and to others?  Yet, to hold one’s heart open to such a practice of being loving and kind can be particularly challenging for most all human beings.

The point of meditation in general, is to learn more about oneself – not to change one or to judge.  Simply to learn. Though I knew this, I was still surprised by my realization as the testing was completed.  I learned more than I ever could have imagined. 

Like a wild horse galloping across the plains, me on its back as it runs away from some loose sage brush that began to roll and rattle across the landscape.

This morning I was again reflecting on the crone I am becoming and embracing the crone that I am.  As I walked through my neighborhood, I could not help seeing her, this crone, reflected in the turning of the trees toward winter.

More generally I am increasingly able to respond to my needs in a supportive way – rather than trying to hide from or to avoid that which I find uncomfortable.  Through my mindful practice I am also reminded that without discomfort I would never truly know the experiences of joy, peace, acceptance, love and ease.

As I write this I am at a loss for the words that might express how ridiculous this sounds to me.  I now realize that I was avoiding reflecting on Carl Jung’s profound statement because anxiety rose up in me. What if I did not know what to say - what to write?

As I wrote and then shared the following poem with the other women in the circle, I recalled the collage I created in circa 2008.  The title of this piece is, “How We Die.”  Through the process of creating art I explored the many aspects of death through my eyes as a palliative care chaplain or so I thought. 

For me, holding on means holding life close to my chest and with both my hands.  In some way I believe that this will serve as my best support.  But then, I realize I am not open to hearing Spirit’s guidance, nor am I able to sense or feel the nudge that comes from the universe – to experience the LOVE that I believe is always present for me. 

I would rather be the lotus that is growing and turning toward the sun. After all, isn’t life the best when experienced with awe, joy-filled wonder and pleasure?

Like water, Agape is always trusting and believing.  Doubt and hesitation do not exist in Agape.  This love flows to the places most deep and most wide, always eager to move toward rather than away from its destination.

A mermaid found a swimming lad,

Picked him for her own,

Pressed her body to his body,

Laughed; and plunging down

Forgot in cruel happiness

That even lovers drown.

- William Butler Yeats