I have heard it said that large ships turn slowly. Given the amount of angst I had been experiencing and how deeply I had retreated, I seem to be a ship at sea, turning slowly back to my home port of call. Further discernment is gifting me with a clarity that is profoundly slow in coming. I am winding and turning through the channels of my life and the mysterious complexity of this pilgrimage.
I have known for years and years that I, at times, hold the world’s suffering in my body, literally feeling this weight as a pain in my neck and shoulders. A pain I often cannot resolve easily, completely nor permanently. Thus, my need for further discernment comes to me for two reasons. First, to increase my understanding of this permeability I experience. Questioning how is it that I am capable of sensing the slightest of change around me, then responding to this despair to the point that it overwhelms me. Secondly, I am curious about how I may develop more than palliative measures to ease these waves of emotion that seem to overpower me?
How I interact with despair in general, I believe, will not change substantively unless I comprehend its root cause to some degree. Clearly, I cannot expect to simply treat the symptoms and then create change in my experiences. I have already failed at that when I attempted to numb myself and to hide from the world at large. My refusal to seek out the cause rather than simply looking to quell the symptoms I was experiencing contributed to addiction like behaviors. My actions negated my intuitive sense, the very knowledge within me that would eventually help lift me out of the pit I found myself in. Put simply, I seek self-sovereignty – the inner ability I have to govern myself rather than to allow life’s sorrows to alone, control me.
As I pursue lucidity, I realize this: I experience most emotions on a very deep, far-reaching and penetrating level. Being sensitive to my own emotions also means I am deeply tuned into the emotional experiences of others. Literally, I am a “sensitive” or a “claire,” a person with enhanced or “clear” vision. A Clairvoyant, as well as having “clear” knowing, hearing, thinking, touch and feeling – at times responding to the heart-ache of others to an incomparable point.
I could write pages and volumes about my own experiences, the same said about my attempts to explain the meaning of being a “claire.” Instead, I leave it to your curiosity to explore more fully it’s meaning, if you wish. Below is a link that explains Claire senses in a simply and what I believe to be a clear manner. You might find this site an easy place to begin in response to your curiosity.
https://reikilifestyle.com/clair-senses/
Leave it to say, I am vulnerable to compassion fatigue and in retrospect, understand this is what occurred after our move. When no longer distracted by my lists of tasks that kept me busy daily for weeks and months, and as more tragedy arose, I withdrew into mindlessness.
Though I have had some level of knowledge and understanding of what it means for me to be a “sensitive” or “claire,” I now appreciate that I am being called to dive keeper than every before. Called to penetrate what I had believed to be the fragile parts of me. Sounds daunting to say the least. And then I heard this:
“Do not be afraid to dive inside yourself.
Your soul will catch you.
”
Rather than embracing my sensitive nature, opening to the truth of my being, I held such a tight grip on my heart, it had been leaving my hands closed to new possibilities. Beginning to relax my hands; to soften my grip, I am diving within, trusting my soul will catch me if I stumble. That is until I learn to soar again.
As I set out on this sojourn, I hold close the intention to embrace my true nature and thus contribute more fully to my spiritual, physical and emotional wellness and wholeness. Though not physically being an activist (because of my sensitivity to the energies and emotions of small groups and large crowds such as during a demonstration) I desire to redirect my purpose and intent.
As I begin by embracing my true nature, I open myself to choosing how I hold the world’s grief and despair. I am transforming how I face my own struggles and suffering, while releasing my hold on beliefs that have never truly supported me. I have a substantive confidence that supports this conclusion. My stream of consciousness impacts others. If I am closed, I send ripples of unwillingness into the world’s ether. As such, I am adding to the recalcitrance of all people in all circumstances. Multiplying and reinforcing the world’s opposition to change, cripples all persons and complicates our ability to grow into a fair and just world community. I commit to letting go of the status quo and to instead, learn and grow and contribute to being a better person and thus supporting the growth of an improved world.
It is up to me to listen to my heart’s song, opening myself to the divine within and all around me. No one else can do this for me. It is here that I will find my way. This commitment is sprinkled with irony. It is my enhanced ability or my sensitivity which supports me to “see,” to “hear,” to “know,” to “sense,” and to “listen” more clearly. The magic of this approach comes to me through my willingness to trust that I am supported and connected in such a way that my openness will not make life less – will not take away from or deplete me - but will instead bring me increased abundance in all aspects of living.
As my heart opens, I re-engage my right brain; the intuitive, creative, emotional and spiritual parts of me. As I open, it is becoming easier to respond to life’s complexities. Rather than reacting, I am increasingly able to release the fear based, ego driven thoughts of my left brain. Being more open and broad-minded supports my increased sense of peace, kindness, compassion, gratitude and Love. A work in progress, I still often have to remind myself that just because I think it, does not make all my thoughts my truth.
My life is expanding and swelling with increased harmony as I move away from inner strife. My energy is shifting, positively increasing as my growth lifts me out of discomfort and into acceptance. I remind myself this moment too will change. As I release my grip on my attempts to control my inner and outer life, I am finding life to have more equilibrium. The right and left hemispheres of my brain are more balanced resulting in an increased sense of equanimity – a symmetry of my heart and soul. I am basically, learning to mother or care for my spirit, my core, trusting that I am led toward my highest and best good. I continue to remind myself that the cosmos is always supporting me. All I need to do is be open to receive these gifts that are freely given.
Rather than attempting to drown it out, I have begun to turn inward – to listen to my inner voice of life; the expression of love, strength, compassion, kindness, justice, humility, integrity, equanimity, dignity, forgiveness and gratitude. Staying focused on the light, my intuition will guide me. Holding faith, that my soul knows the way even if my ego does not. My curiosity has created space for my heart to open. Surprisingly, I have unearthed some practical things that are supporting my wonder as I continue to travel along this path. More about this will follow in my next post titled OPENING.
“remember, the entrance to the sanctuary is inside you.
”
Namaste