When I contemplate self-care, I come to the conclusion that restorative rest is an important part of my process. My body and especially my mind need respite.
When slowing and calming my mind, I am able to practice letting go of the stories that my left brain repeats to me over and over again. These are often stories of warning with their many derivations and they are always anxiety and fear driven. I suspect the feeling of fear is meant to take care of me – to prepare me to flee, to fight or to submit. Preparing me to run from danger so that I may survive! What I know is also true about anxiety is this – a constant state of anxiety or fear will never take care of me. Instead it will exhaust me and wear away at my immune system, leaving me even more susceptible to illness.
Recently, I had an MRI. Even if you have not had one, I believe you may have heard about the experience and can relate to its description. One lays in a very, very narrow MRI tube, that is usually dark and very, very loud. Some refer to this narrow, dark and loud experience as claustrophobic. This can be complicated by the “test” requiring one to lay perfectly still, or as still as possible. Difficult when your instinct is to get out and flee quickly to free yourself from peril.
This not my first MRI, and I have found that as time passes during the test or series of “photos” I can become increasingly anxious. I feel distinct physical sensations in my body similar to restlessness, along with an all-over buzzing sensation that is accompanied by a strong urge to take action, to move and to get out. The fight or flee instinct, surely.
For this particular MRI I planned for this very reaction – this need to escape. Thus, I held some hope this MRI might be different. Just possibility my planned mindfulness meditation would help to mediate or eliminate my angst during the test. My goal was to distract my mind by counting my breath backwards beginning with the number 99. Usually while lying down, I complete ten or fewer cycles of inhaling/exhaling per minute. From my experience, ninety-nine breaths should then be sufficient to get me through the whole session. If not, I could always start over at 99 as needed. Feeling relatively calm in the short moments between sets of “photos” I decided to pause my counting when the machine was quiet, picking up where I left off when it began again.
The point of meditation in general, is to learn more about oneself – not to change one or to judge. Simply to learn. Though I knew this, I was still surprised by my realization as the testing was completed. I learned more than I ever could have imagined.
It became apparent to me that I just might be experiencing something other than anxiety. Perchance the signals from my body were for a less urgent need than if it was fear I was experiencing. Maybe my response did not require a reaction to my brain’s impression. Maybe I did not need to run away. It could be that I was feeling something other than what my left mind was hearing. If I was curious rather than jumping into old story patterns, maybe there was another explanation for what I perceived as trouble.
It was conceivable that I was simply and factually experiencing the normal human body respond to the strong magnetic force used in the MRI. With this thought I was able to relax even more knowing I would very soon be leaving the influence of the magnet. This sense of peace actually opened my heart up to curiosity the last several minutes of the testing.
Because my mind was interpreting these sensations based on past experiences – which is what the mind does - the conclusion it reached was similar to previous interpretations. By opening my mind and heart to other possibilities beyond anxiety I was able to begin creating a new reality about my current position in life. My mind was able to be in the moment, so to speak, rather than drawing from the past or projecting into future.
By providing my left brain with new possibilities, I gave myself the gift of choice. I was able to choose to let go of the drive to react, instead making a mindful decision about how I would respond to the information from my body. I chose an open curiosity. My left mind was then able to create a new story about these sensations. Literally, (which I was able to confirm later) what I felt was the machine’s strong magnetic force. I had no need to react. There was nothing to “fear.” This too would pass. And it did.
As I finish writing this post, I have come to a new and important awareness. I can use this simple counting of my breath, or any other focus of meditation, in many other situations. Like when I feel the restlessness of anxiety and want to turn to less helpful activities, such as eating or playing games on my phone or computer to distract myself. This new knowing has created such a sense of liberation! I actually feel the relief washing over my body and breathe a deep, deep sigh of gratitude as I recognize the choices I have as I go forward in life.
I have also been reminded of how important a regular meditation or mindfulness “practice” is for me. It is necessary for my well-being and I will be practicing on a more regular basis. Practice will open me to new possibilities, to learn more about myself in a deeply profound way. Without judgment. Simply as a beginner, willing to let go of history and stories about the past or the future. To be open to what is in this moment.
More to come in 2020!
Hoping you had or continue to have a most wonder-filled holiday season.
Happy New Year!
Namaste